Matthew 5:5

Blessed are the Geek:
For they shall inherit the Earth

While I’m glad they’re getting something, because they have a hell of a time; what Jesus fails to appreciate is that it’s the Geek who are the problem.

Now, I’m fully aware that the above is blasphemy, which is some parts of the world would get me stoned. However, no one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle. Even… and I want to make this absolutely clear… even if they do say, “Iehovah”.

While the bastardised biblical quotation is an oblique reference to the World Quiz Championships (see the end of this blog for more details), I also need to point out to Dirty Beans* that what followed is a Monty Python reference. Three references to be precise, all from Life of Brian, which she won’t have seen. The spelling of Iehovah is both the Latin spelling, and also a reference to Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, a film she won’t have seen either. Grady Twins*, feel free to take the piss remorselessly.

It’s been a strange couple of weeks since my last blog, especially since I’ve been away from work more often than I’ve been there recently. This is mainly because I need a new shed and the old one needed to be emptied, dismantled, broken down into its component parts, wood salvaged and the unsalvageable wood burned. With sheds, nothing’s easy. I’m now shedless and currently in the process of repairing (with the salvaged wood) the fence panels I can’t access when I have a shed.

The new shed will be metal and apparently comes with 3.25m screws, all of which need to be carefully placed by the six people required for assembly. This will probably be a whole other blog!

I’m also still going to the gym, mainly spin classes at the moment, with the odd circuit training thrown in. Due to my preference of a bike at the back of the dungeon, TRG* has taken to calling it Bum Watch. A couple of months in, and she knows me so well already.

The whole gym thing seems to be working. Grady Twin Snr has mentioned that I’m losing weight, but I’m actually losing inches and replacing fat with (miniscule amounts of) muscle. With a bit of poking and prodding through the protective layer(s) of fat, you can start to feel the beginnings of a six-pack in there somewhere. That, or it’s the triple-decker burger I had for lunch.

I’ve also started watching The Big Bang Theory (“at last” I hear Cpt. America* and Iron Man* say (I don’t, it’s a literary device to make it seems that someone else is involved in, or cares about, my blog)). TRG is a big fan as well, and Bobs* said I should watch it because it was me, and she was right. So much so that I’ve already brought myself something I saw in the show. Not the full-scale model Time Machine (I’m still on Series 1) but the Periodic Table shower curtain:


Technically, it was TRG who brought it me. A couple of months in, and she knows me so well already. (I’ve brought her a soft kitty bag, but she doesn’t know it until now). Unfortunately The Divine Mr M*, I couldn’t find a picture of Lucy with the above referenced shower curtain.

Stunni* turned the magic 4-0 last week and we went out to celebrate. I was not even in work that day and I managed to make it, unlike some other people who shall not be mentioned (but you know who you are T-Mo*). TRG came along and was introduced to both Penzance* and Eugene*. I didn’t manage to get round to introducing her to Bobs though, something I know I’ll get nagged about at some point.

It was a decent night out and a refurbed canal side pub that had a live band on. They did cover versions of all sort of proper (guitar based) music and , while others drifted away as the night went on, we stayed until the bitter end, along with Dodge*, Mrs Dodge and Dodge’s sister (who spent half the night chatting up some Germans. She doesn’t speak German, and they didn’t speak much English. Chalk up another win to the power of alcohol). At least she managed to avoid the guy going round grabbing women so he could smell their hair!

I also had to do a speech to government this week, because Stunni was still hungover from his Birthday Party. Well, there were two members of the House of Lords in attendance, so that’s as good as the government to me. Even though one of them sat of the opposition benches. It went down well, and I ended up with some press coverage, along with a dodgy photo of me and at least one misquote. And all this was after the top of my head being in one shot in an episode of ‘Don’t Get Done By Dom’ a few weeks back. They’ll be hacking my phone next.

Met my old boss for lunch after the speech as she now works for the Ministry of Magic and was close by. Given my new-found celebrity status, I was expecting tea at The Ritz. What I got was a cup of tea in a chain coffee-house over the road from The Ritz. And I had to pay for it. Being famous isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Still waiting for Celebrity Big Brother to call as well. But better that than being stuck in the jungle with a bunch of people no-one’s ever heard of. And Kerry Katona.

So, in order to further enhance my celebrity, I attended the World Quiz Championships. Additionally I was interviewed by Radio 1 before I headed off cos both me and quizzes is down wiv da kids.

This was a tough quiz. Being the world championship, you’d expect that, but even so. I was sitting next to Egghead Bazza and, after the first set of questions, the real Governess (not to be mistaken for The Governess*), Chaser Anne, came over for a chat. Not with me you understand, but with Bazza. They both agreed it was a tough quiz.

I scored 68 out of 210, which was better than everyone in Madagascar (mid-50’s), but not as good as New Zealand (103). The unratified results are in and the winner only scored 161. To be fair, he does set the quiz for The Times and writes the questions for University Challenge, so you’d expect a better position than mine – which was 396 out of 1,241 by the way. I was also 115th best in the England quiz (which included participants from Croatia and San Francisco).

In the ‘fun’ quizzes, I was in a team of two for the music quiz (with the odd unhelpful input from Bazza – he doesn’t do music) and we scored 91 out of 129. To me eternal shame I recognised songs by Daphne & Celeste, Phats & Small and Rixton. However, I also recognised Stonehenge by Spinal Tap! The winning team got 108, but there were four of them.

Finally, I got eliminated on the 15-1 quiz on a ballet question. Do I look like someone who enjoys ballet? I ask you!

Footnote: On the Saturday Radio 1 Weekend Breakfast Show, just after 8am, Dev (the DJ, for those of you not down wiv da kids) interviews someone off to a sporting event and sets them a challenge. They are then back on the show Sunday morning at 8am to let him know how they did and, if they complete the challenge, he pays a record of their choice. Despite me texting in, claiming that I have to train three times a week in the gym for quiz participation, I wasn’t actually interviewed and was ignored in favour of someone taking part in the Bristol’s Strongest Man contest. AND my text wasn’t even read out!!

To train for quizzes, you spend a lot of time in the pub drinking ale and eating scratchings. When you do that, you need to go to the gym three times a week to be able to still fit into your trousers. My choice of a song played if I’d have succeeded in the challenge and come in the Top 200 (which, as you know, I did – well if you only count the England quiz I did) would have been this, this or this. TRG would have preferred me to have played this. Of course, being Radio 1, they wouldn’t have played any of them, so I would have ended up with this!

*see Cast List


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