Enigma

In what is seemingly becoming my new norm, this is a monthly blog of two halves. The first half (which I call ‘over the moon’) is written before the February quiz grand prix, the second half (which, in keeping with the football clichés, is subtitled ‘sick as a parrot’) is written after; hence the late Saturday evening publication time.

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New Year (R)evolution

Quizstar
lyrics: Burford  music: Kroeger, Peake, Kroeger, Adair  super model: Pinder

I’m through with standing in pubs
That I never get served in
It’s like the 93rd minute
And The Baggies won’t win
The last few years haven’t turned out
Quite how I expected ’em to be

(So what do I want?)

I wanna be on a quiz show
Like Only Connect
Or be a Mastermind winner and get some respect
Or even go on TV and win
A couple of grand for me

(So what do I need?)

I’ll need a credit card debt that doesn’t exist
And a couple of winning Euromillions tickets
And cheese that doesn’t extend my waistline by too many feet

I want an MX5 with a fold down roof
And a Quiz World Ranking that’s better than ‘good’
Somewhere between a Chaser and an Egghead is fine for me

(So how’m I gonna do it?)

I’m gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I’ll even comb my hair and have a shave

[Chorus:]
‘Cause we all just wanna be big quizstars
Spend our life in libraries driving sensible cars
Where the questions aren’t easy but the beer is cheap
We’ll all pile on pounds ’cause of the man snacks we’ll eat
And we’ll all drink at the coolest bars
Answering questions that’ll make us quizzing superstars
Every budding question writer’s gonna wind up there
Every curvaceous quiz mistress with her bleached blond hair, and well

Hey hey I wanna be a quizstar
Hey hey I wanna be a quizstar

I wanna be like Fred Housego but without the taxi
But not like CJ de Mooi because he’s a complete asshole
I’ll sign a couple autographs so I can drink my beer in peace

I’m gonna dress my ass in a traditional fashion
Get a lifetime subscription to the Playboy channel
Gonna date a super model that loves to blow (my money for me)

LP PB

(So how’m I gonna do it?)

I’m gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I’ll even comb my hair and have a shave

[Chorus:]
‘Cause we all just wanna be big quizstars
Spend our life in libraries driving sensible cars
Where the questions aren’t easy but the beer is cheap
We’ll all pile on pounds ’cause of the man snacks we’ll eat
And we’ll all drink at the coolest bars
Answering questions that’ll make us quizzing superstars
Every budding question writer’s gonna wind up there
Every curvaceous quiz mistress with her bleached blond hair

And we’ll hang out in smokey rooms
With Wikipedia, a dictionary and today’s Who’s Who
And we’ll write some more questions with an evil smile
Everybody’s got a Domino’s on speed dial, well

Hey hey I wanna be a quizstar

I’m gonna write loads of questions that offend the masses
But they can’t hit me, because I wear glasses
I’ll get some weird cover versions of classic songs
Download ’em to my iPod listen to ’em all night long

[Chorus:]
‘Cause we all just wanna be big quizstars
Spend our life in libraries driving sensible cars
Where the questions aren’t easy but the beer is cheap
We’ll all pile on pounds ’cause of the man snacks we’ll eat
And we’ll all drink at the coolest bars
Answering questions that’ll make us quizzing superstars
Every budding question writer’s gonna wind up there
Every curvaceous quiz mistress with her bleached blond hair

And we’ll hang out in smokey rooms
With Wikipedia, a dictionary and today’s Who’s Who
And we’ll write some questions with an evil smile
Everybody’s got a curry house on speed dial, well

Hey hey I wanna be a quizstar
Hey hey I wanna be a quizstar

Footnote: If you’re unsure who The Baggies are, you need to read Tales from the Wilderness. If you do know who they are, you know that, this season at least, they’re never gonna win!
While I have no objection to an MX5 with a fold down roof, if someone would be kind enough to buy one for me, I’d prefer a 1968 damson over cream Triumph Herald 13/60 convertible. Unfortunately, this doesn’t scan.
Man snacks – this is a subject that I’ve not really covered yet. Just think anything made of dead pig and/or you can buy from a barmaid.
CJ de Mooi being a complete asshole is only my opinion – and also that of someone I work with who actually knows him from the ‘chess circuit’ – who knew there was such a thing? Geeks!

I also have a few apologies to make: (1) for the title of this blog being so much clever that the contents (2) for not mentioning anyone else at all (3) for the line about the cheese (for which I am truly repentant), and (4) for bastardising one of the critically acclaimed ‘worst songs of all time’ (Rockstar by Nickelback if you haven’t worked it out by now). Come on music critics, have you never heard Black Lace? … or One Direction?
Anyway – Sorry.

Plenty of Matches

Last Thursday evening I went to the pub with Hulk*, Iron Man* and a few others. On a non-quiz night! While this may be a shocking revelation, a man cannot live by beer and quizzes alone, as will become apparent. Leaving late, certainly approaching, if not officially, the wee small hours on Friday morning, myself and Iron Man decided to walk home (1 mile for me, 2 miles for him – but he’s both younger and fitter than me so don’t feel that sorry for him). The resulting conversation turned out to be one of these epiphany moments – and a drunken conversation that still made perfect reasoned sense the day after the night before (or technically, later that same day).

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Lies … Damn Lies

This is my first blog in several months, and there’s a reason for this. With a blog title of Beer and Quizzes, you would expect, well … beer and quizzes. However, I’ve not actually participated in a quiz since the Birmingham Grand Prix and I’ve only been to The Pub twice in the intervening period as well. This gives sparse pickings for the contents of any type of semi-amusing ramblings.

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Birmingham Grand Prix

Before all you Motorsports enthusiasts get excited, this is not some nostalgic look back at Damon Hill and John Alesi fighting it out on the streets of Britain’s pre-eminent city during the late 1980s, it what was the UKs only street circuit course. Oh No! This is all about the British Quiz Association (betcha didn’t know that existed) October 2014 Quiz Grand Prix, which took place in Birmingham and was wot I went to.

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Anniversary Waltz

It turns out that I’ve now been blogging on and off for a year (more off than on recently, but more of that later). It’s been 1 year 4 days since my inaugural outpouring of general shit hit the interweb – and in that time it’s been read by a whole 6 people – or maybe the same person 6 times, who knows exactly. It’s also been over a month since my last blog, which has had a more respectable, but still piss poor, 29 readers. However, between those two bookends there’s been more good than bad – generally. Continue reading