Quizstar
lyrics: Burford music: Kroeger, Peake, Kroeger, Adair super model: Pinder
I’m through with standing in pubs
That I never get served in
It’s like the 93rd minute
And The Baggies won’t win
The last few years haven’t turned out
Quite how I expected ’em to be
(So what do I want?)
I wanna be on a quiz show
Like Only Connect
Or be a Mastermind winner and get some respect
Or even go on TV and win
A couple of grand for me
(So what do I need?)
I’ll need a credit card debt that doesn’t exist
And a couple of winning Euromillions tickets
And cheese that doesn’t extend my waistline by too many feet
I want an MX5 with a fold down roof
And a Quiz World Ranking that’s better than ‘good’
Somewhere between a Chaser and an Egghead is fine for me
(So how’m I gonna do it?)
I’m gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I’ll even comb my hair and have a shave
[Chorus:]
‘Cause we all just wanna be big quizstars
Spend our life in libraries driving sensible cars
Where the questions aren’t easy but the beer is cheap
We’ll all pile on pounds ’cause of the man snacks we’ll eat
And we’ll all drink at the coolest bars
Answering questions that’ll make us quizzing superstars
Every budding question writer’s gonna wind up there
Every curvaceous quiz mistress with her bleached blond hair, and well
Hey hey I wanna be a quizstar
Hey hey I wanna be a quizstar
I wanna be like Fred Housego but without the taxi
But not like CJ de Mooi because he’s a complete asshole
I’ll sign a couple autographs so I can drink my beer in peace
I’m gonna dress my ass in a traditional fashion
Get a lifetime subscription to the Playboy channel
Gonna date a super model that loves to blow (my money for me)
(So how’m I gonna do it?)
I’m gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I’ll even comb my hair and have a shave
[Chorus:]
‘Cause we all just wanna be big quizstars
Spend our life in libraries driving sensible cars
Where the questions aren’t easy but the beer is cheap
We’ll all pile on pounds ’cause of the man snacks we’ll eat
And we’ll all drink at the coolest bars
Answering questions that’ll make us quizzing superstars
Every budding question writer’s gonna wind up there
Every curvaceous quiz mistress with her bleached blond hair
And we’ll hang out in smokey rooms
With Wikipedia, a dictionary and today’s Who’s Who
And we’ll write some more questions with an evil smile
Everybody’s got a Domino’s on speed dial, well
Hey hey I wanna be a quizstar
I’m gonna write loads of questions that offend the masses
But they can’t hit me, because I wear glasses
I’ll get some weird cover versions of classic songs
Download ’em to my iPod listen to ’em all night long
[Chorus:]
‘Cause we all just wanna be big quizstars
Spend our life in libraries driving sensible cars
Where the questions aren’t easy but the beer is cheap
We’ll all pile on pounds ’cause of the man snacks we’ll eat
And we’ll all drink at the coolest bars
Answering questions that’ll make us quizzing superstars
Every budding question writer’s gonna wind up there
Every curvaceous quiz mistress with her bleached blond hair
And we’ll hang out in smokey rooms
With Wikipedia, a dictionary and today’s Who’s Who
And we’ll write some questions with an evil smile
Everybody’s got a curry house on speed dial, well
Hey hey I wanna be a quizstar
Hey hey I wanna be a quizstar
Footnote: If you’re unsure who The Baggies are, you need to read Tales from the Wilderness. If you do know who they are, you know that, this season at least, they’re never gonna win!
While I have no objection to an MX5 with a fold down roof, if someone would be kind enough to buy one for me, I’d prefer a 1968 damson over cream Triumph Herald 13/60 convertible. Unfortunately, this doesn’t scan.
Man snacks – this is a subject that I’ve not really covered yet. Just think anything made of dead pig and/or you can buy from a barmaid.
CJ de Mooi being a complete asshole is only my opinion – and also that of someone I work with who actually knows him from the ‘chess circuit’ – who knew there was such a thing? Geeks!
I also have a few apologies to make: (1) for the title of this blog being so much clever that the contents (2) for not mentioning anyone else at all (3) for the line about the cheese (for which I am truly repentant), and (4) for bastardising one of the critically acclaimed ‘worst songs of all time’ (Rockstar by Nickelback if you haven’t worked it out by now). Come on music critics, have you never heard Black Lace? … or One Direction?
Anyway – Sorry.
Beer and Quizzes 